Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Someone came in the potted fern
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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