I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
