why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
