dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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