just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
