First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
