Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
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