I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
