I just cut my nipple shaving
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
