remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."