i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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