omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
honey bunches of taint.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize