Little spoons don't ask big questions
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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