i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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