I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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