Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
