My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
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Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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