I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
