Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
