picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
