No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
