Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
