At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
