i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
