you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
You may now shotgun with the bride
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
