My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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