You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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