see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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