I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
