Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
