The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
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Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
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Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
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