Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
