She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Then you guys just all showered together...?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
