1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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