just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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