I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
