my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
