Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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