I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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