the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
