it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
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