i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
