Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
