Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
