Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
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