I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
