this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
