That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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