Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Randomize
