If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
