I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
