Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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