dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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