How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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