moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
